Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership

As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start to date any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.

Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they appear demanding, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.

Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.