Excessive Apologies: Strategies to End the Pattern

For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my close ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.